misplaced feelings

so today is Cinco de Mayo......perhaps I will also remember it as the beginning of the end?
tonight he left for work and in the morning he will begin his drive to Texas where he will spend 10 days with his "niece" ....i use the term loosely. she is no blood kin but he seems to have fallen head over heals in admiration and adoration of her since he reconnected with her last year (after a lifetime of separation).

this is the second trip that he has made to see her in 12 months. this is also the second trip to see her that he has excluded me from.  he says he needs his 'alone time'. how can you be spending time 'alone' if you are engaged in interaction with another person that is not your wife?

and all i can do - for the second time in a row - is just sit here and accept that this is how it is. he chooses to spend his free time as far away from me as he can get. he has located another individual that pleases him and gives him everything he needs.

in almost 20 years of marriage we have only ever gone on three vacations alone as a couple. but every year he goes as far away from me as he can for as long as his job will allow. and i am ungrateful if i voice an opinion

does anyone hear me?

Easily Offended & Misunderstood

Sometimes I think that I must be speaking a foreign language. Even though the words that come out my mouth are English - seems like no one understands what I'm trying to convey. This leads to me jumping to conclusions & getting my feelings bent. Just tonight, as a for instance, I said something about today being OK - so I can't complain....I thought I was being sorta positive? But the response I got back was more or less (in my interpretation) we gotta stay positive even if we feel negative so yea be grateful .....which of course left me feeling hurt because how come I have to always remain positive &a never can have an off day when everyone else is allowed to go WAY off the deep end?  ....now was that REALLY what he meant by his response or was that just my interpretation?!? We will never know because - as is my typical modus oprendi I simply slink away - feelings hurt- not questioning or trying to clarify the message..... i am such a loser

Three Days

Still alive & kicking - yes it is getting better ... But no it's so slllloooowwwww. Last time was not like this! Still fighting the desire to take the pills. I allow myself one & only one per day....wish I could do it with none.

Then there is the d@mn cough.... Both Lukey & I are suffering through the invasion of the pollen master. Wheezy & coughing day & night...

Searching for something good & positive - having trouble seeing beyond the immediate NOW

day 1 after surgery

yes i know i am only talking to myself. it's just as well because i certainly wouldn't want to subject anyone else to the pity party i am having......

seriously though - why can't i just accept things as status quo and not feel sorry for myself? i mean so what - it wasn't like i had MAJOR surgery - it was out patient - home the same day surgery....yea they put you under but would you want to be awake when they cut into your body? me neither! sure it would be nice to get some TLC but really who would give it? and ultimately i really would just like to be left alone so i could sleep in peace...but the show must go on there are kids to be taken care of....homework and showers to be done.....thankfully i have taught them the bare basics so they can at least cook themselves dinner....cuz i can't stand up long enough to get that done

and that brings me to that other whiney point.....what is it about drugs....i know they are given to me for a purpose....so why can't i handle them in the manner in which they were given? .....1-2 every four to six hours does not mean take two every three hours or as soon as you start feeling again! i had to cut myself off. i need to stay in control here - and obviously with fresh pills in hand i cannot be trusted to do that....so i will need to NOT take them at all - i can just learn to deal with the pain - even if it feels 10000 times worse than the last time. my own damn fault for being so irresponsible!

besides - taking the damn pills relaxes the brain and loosens the mind to allow those thoughts to escape......you DO NOT want those thoughts out there. you don't want anyone to know what happened - those memories can not exist. they probably are all made up anyway - what could a 5-6 year old possibly know.....it never happened. it's just make believe and vivid imagination so just drop it!

whine complain pity party...i warned you this was all it was gonna be. the best thing in the world would just be if i could get over myself. i am no body and that don't count

Prince

My heart is breaking as the music world loses another legendary talent

http://consequenceofsound.net/2016/04/r-i-p-prince-legendary-musician-has-died-at-the-age-of-57/

His musical wizardry will forever leave its mark on my soul. So many songs evoke memories of my past - from dancing in clubs to Movin's covers of Purple Rain & When Doves Cry - to my very special memories of Beautiful People.

facing things or hiding from truths?

....."suicide kit" a term I never heard before. still don't know exactly what is "in the kit" - but I learned about this on the page and had to do some deep contemplation ..... I can relate... I have a drawer FULL of heavy duty scrips that I hang on to just incase..... 

So without knowing there was a name for what I was doing did I create my own kit?

I feel secure knowing its in there

Why/How did I get them? Well they do all belong to me....I have chronic pain but I also have control issues... So the docs give me lots of "really great" pain meds that I steadfastly refuse to take. YES if things get really bad I allow myself one. But truthfully I am very non-compliant. There are so few things I actually have a say in that I do not like giving up control of the ones I do. Turning my body over to meds that knock you out and turn your mind upside down & inside out are not my way of holding tight to my reality.

...I've got a lot to contemplate. Through these amazing people I am waking up to see all that is defective in me...

nothing more than whiney drivel

...well now that this can of worms is open - I should really lay it out there......

nothing more than whiney drivel

in my 20's i partied like there was no tomorrow.... i could out drink (or at least keep up with) the best of them... functioning with alcohol - working - drinking on breaks & lunch - happy hour - partying all night - then back to work again. I've stayed away from drugs but alcohol - I thought i could handle it. it kept me numb so i didn't have to feel. i didn't have to face that "thing" that happened. that i allowed to happen because i was too drunk to stop it. too drunk to say NO. i did say no - but no one could hear me and it happened and it was my fault. and i drank more and i tried to replace what i lost but you cannot replace it. so instead i just threw it all away in search of love in all the wrong places until I was so out of control i lost all the rest of me. 

i have always struggled with food & weight. but i decided that it didn't matter how big or thin i could be i would always be ugly. so to prove I was unworthy of being loved i ate and ate and ate. and no matter how ugly I felt by the end of the night I was walking out with another nameless stranger.

then in a desperate attempt to save myself i did a 180 and "fell" for the guy who was a complete polar opposite. who wants nothing to do with me physically and really seems to be indifferent to who i am. that had to be the right thing to do. because I am this huge ugly unloveable 'thing' & yet he still wants to be in my life ... since it's not about s e x then he must be real. wrong. just brought on a different set of failures and feelings of inadequacy. dying a slow & silent death a little more each day.

jimmy asked...

i  met a man named Jimmy ... ok I haven't REALLY met him like in real life....but I did meet him on Facebook. how? i'm not even sure.... i know i saw his post one day & the next thing you know we are fb friends ... his posts make me feel ... sometimes happy sometimes sad ... but they make me feel something ... and I really haven't felt much of anything for a long time.

Jimmy journals his thoughts and feelings, his insights and his fears and he asked people to share on his group page. he wants to know how people are doing  ... what they are feeling .... what's their story.  by the laws of reciprocity i feel the need to try to share this complicated web that is my life ... but i don't want to clog up his pages with my sludge, so if you made it this far, hold on to your hats ... keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle and try to enjoy the most boring story ever told. no, really, if you ever get to the point of overload and you just can't take one more blasé moment ... just hit the back button and take yourself back to Facebook! (that's what i would do ... this is all just a bunch of whiny drivel)

i really don't know where to start .... the beginning is too logical.

born & raised in theCity (what city? THE City....everyone knows there is only one....even when I lived in another state, strangers I met KNEW my beloved City ...San Francisco... is THECity) 

yes....i'm still struggling to let the words out. once I unlock the floodgates i won't be able to pull them back in. they say it's cathartic, they say it's healing. THEY don't know what i know. pathetic i am. here's one thing...... my audience - that's YOU - all belong to this group page. you have a common ?interest is not the right word. you are all in the process of healing yourselves from the ravages of addiction. i'm not. i'm here with one purpose....one goal. to encourage and support you along in your journey.

time is passing as i sit here. i really don't want to let it out. i've carefully constructed a fortress around it because letting it leach out into the universe would only expose me as the complete fraud and failure that i know. i will lose the façade.  yet i struggle because i owe you to be honest and truthful with you as you have been with me. i resolve to sit here all night if i have to, to get this out. i am emotionally unbalanced tonight as i read two posts and an article tonight that really struck a long dormant chord in me. i promised Jimmy weeks ago that i would try to share - tonight I feel compelled that now is the time to try.

i said my role on the page is a supporter. i do not have any addictions at least not addictions in the way that you know addictions. my role on the page...in life, is to be a nurturing caring person. one who is loyal, trustworthy and kind. the rock that supports others in their journey through life. i'm that shadow backstage putting everything back together silently fixing everything that breaks. my place has never been in the spotlight ... never the center/focus of attention. 

i am self-described ocd but I am more dominantly a control freak. the ocd could lead to addictive behavior except the control mechanism kicks in and demands i change the actions. i'm not used to so many sentences being about "me". focus fool.... i am not a goodie two shoes. in fact i did live life on the wild side for far too many years. i partied in the clubs all night and worked in the office all day. i am impulsive and compulsive and over the top responsible for all things that go awry in my world. i was taught to hold myself up to higher expectations. you are human, you may have shortcomings. i am not allowed that same luxury. i do not have shortcomings. i have failures. one piled right on top of another and another and another. unforgivable. this is how my mind was formed from an early age. this is a struggle I have not, to this day, overcome. i was supposed to be perfect. i am not perfect. i failed in life 12 ways from Sunday. 

i know this is all drivel. my failures are totally and fully my responsibilities. i own and accept that. and at the same time i know that none of the things that i have brought upon myself can compare with the challenges and terrors that so many of you have survived. in fact, i encourage you to hit that back button now and release yourself from this whiny place. 

.....ok, i came back...........i had to leave for a bit --- i'm sorry for droning on about nothingness. I just really do not know what to say. i don't talk about my disasters. i do take them out and examine them in the darkness. food. alcohol. sex. self-loathing. self-criticism. failure. quitter. ugliness. homeliness. unworthiness. these are all topics that i analyze as to how i have failed time and again.

and here i am still trying to get started.....

 

Past Present & Future

Sometimes I feel as if I never outgrew teenage angst. Those days upon days of pure insecurity. Oh sure I wear the mask well....keep the darkness hidden behind the veil. I think that's part of why i stopped writing three years ago. I ran out of happiness & I couldn't bring myself to unveil the truth

just a niggling naggling little tingling

2013.....i have not been here since 2013.

a lot has happened and a lot has remained the same....

i met someone that i feel as if i have always known. this person shares my mind and tells me things that i never dared to dream on my own. i've come to rely on this person as much as one can rely on another especially when that other is not in a place that you can physically be in contact with them...

through their eyes i have learned to question my own existence to really examine what it is that makes me me. i am not always happy with what i see. but they are confident that i am who i am supposed to be.

the problem herein lies that while they see me as this decent sort of being. their intrusion into my brain has caused me to look at things that have long since been boxed away. these things that only my eyes can access so while they see unicorns and cotton candy i see the true grit of dark ash mixed with dirt and weeds that are the true fertilizer of my growth. funny thing is i do not fear that they might learn these truths and run away. i believe they are here to stay

and at the same time, i have reached out to encourage others who are on their journey of recovery. somehow this is a soothing thing to soften the blows of my reality for me. would they laugh if they learned that those things which i consider my demons even exist. i know that my darkness does not even reach into the depths from which they are climbing out. yet i am torn because i keep all this that is my garbage pail hidden from them when they are so open and honest with me.

so here i sit balancing the darkness from my past with the new struggles of my present. i refuse to be labeled as a weak one who suffers at the hands of others. but day after day i know that the mental anguish i face is not correct. but i must be the one that causes it. those that are purported to be the perpetrators are just in the punishment they dole out to me. the words from my past come back to haunt me. if only i could try harder and be better then no one would have cause to condemn and punish me.