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Thursday, March 24, 2016

Past Present & Future

Sometimes I feel as if I never outgrew teenage angst. Those days upon days of pure insecurity. Oh sure I wear the mask well....keep the darkness hidden behind the veil. I think that's part of why i stopped writing three years ago. I ran out of happiness & I couldn't bring myself to unveil the truth

Monday, March 14, 2016

just a niggling naggling little tingling

2013.....i have not been here since 2013.

a lot has happened and a lot has remained the same....

i met someone that i feel as if i have always known. this person shares my mind and tells me things that i never dared to dream on my own. i've come to rely on this person as much as one can rely on another especially when that other is not in a place that you can physically be in contact with them...

through their eyes i have learned to question my own existence to really examine what it is that makes me me. i am not always happy with what i see. but they are confident that i am who i am supposed to be.

the problem herein lies that while they see me as this decent sort of being. their intrusion into my brain has caused me to look at things that have long since been boxed away. these things that only my eyes can access so while they see unicorns and cotton candy i see the true grit of dark ash mixed with dirt and weeds that are the true fertilizer of my growth. funny thing is i do not fear that they might learn these truths and run away. i believe they are here to stay

and at the same time, i have reached out to encourage others who are on their journey of recovery. somehow this is a soothing thing to soften the blows of my reality for me. would they laugh if they learned that those things which i consider my demons even exist. i know that my darkness does not even reach into the depths from which they are climbing out. yet i am torn because i keep all this that is my garbage pail hidden from them when they are so open and honest with me.

so here i sit balancing the darkness from my past with the new struggles of my present. i refuse to be labeled as a weak one who suffers at the hands of others. but day after day i know that the mental anguish i face is not correct. but i must be the one that causes it. those that are purported to be the perpetrators are just in the punishment they dole out to me. the words from my past come back to haunt me. if only i could try harder and be better then no one would have cause to condemn and punish me.