......i am back (the question is ....for how long?)

2016......

it's been two years since i last graced your presence with my prose.  where have i been and what have i been up to during all this elapsed time?

• I have traveled✈️some....
• I've seen some AMAZING concerts 🎶by some of my favorite artists 🎤with some of my closest friends 👫👭👬👫
• I've spent time with my Gangsta Family 🕵️researching family history and folklore
• I've met some of my extended family for the very first time
• I've done battle with Bruce 👽and come out the other side victoriously
• I've re-joined the Pampered Chef 👩‍🍳and am enjoying the opportunity to bring fun & quick cooking hacks to my friends' kitchens
• I've been a member of Social Coaching - learning how to be a good Social Citizen

I guess you could say I've been keeping pretty busy!

What is Social Coaching and how can you be a good Social Citizen?
Social Coach is a group led by John-Erik🚀 The purpose of this group is to learn how to be a good Social Citizen, to not be janky and spammy. We are learning how to develop meaningful relationships with people we meet in Social Media (Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, Twitter etc) but may not have ever met in real life. Our coach John-Erik🚀is an amazeballs coach. He has a charismatic and upbeat, no holds barred approach to teaching us how to not be janky.  He is also a hacker extraordinaire and he shares so many fantabulous tips, tricks and hacks with us so that we can learn how to work with the algorithm and create meaningful posts that will engage our friends and family.

John-Erik🚀has also taken on the enormous task of helping us dig deep and develop the skills to realize our dreams.  Just after Thanksgiving this year I was privileged to be accepted into the group program called DREAM COACH: Discover.  This is a forty day course where we learn the valuable principles needed to discover our dreams and coax them into fruition.

To say i was EXCITED is the understatement of the year. Something that I have never shared, I have never had a dream or goal in my entire life! The reason? Because I don't know how. Now, one of the first principles we learned is that a dream is a wish your heart makes. As children, we all had wishes/dreams but as we grew older many of us forgot how to listen to our hearts to hear the wishes and therefore the dreams were never born. But, truthfully, I don't ever remember having a wish or dream in all of my childhood either. Now, here I was, about to embark on the journey to find my dream! I was excited. I was nervous. I followed every lesson and completed many of the assignments. Until I got inside my own head and became afraid because I was not finding my dream.

Then it happened! Last night as I listened to the video replay of our weekly coaching lesson, I had an epiphany....  There is no rule that states that I must have one big grand dream! I can have many smaller dreams as long as I DO THE THING that brings each dream into reality!And as my dreams become realities I hope to inspire others to take that step, whether it is a big one or a baby one, and let their dreams take on a life of its own too.

The first thing I started doing this morning was thinking about the things I enjoyed doing and how I wanted to proceed....could one of these things be my first dream? Ultimately, I know I enjoy writing. I could see myself writing a book one day. I would base it on the history and folklore I have learned about my family. But, I am not ready yet, I feel there is more I need to discover about my family before I start weaving this tale. So what about NOW? One of the principles we are learning about in DREAM COACH: Discover is the principle of ACTION vs ACTIVITY.  What action can I take right now that will pave the path for this first dream to become a reality?  I can practice and hone my writing skills. I can pick up where I left off on my blogs. Specifically, I can begin writing on my FAMILY BLOG. I can record the biographies of the family members I am researching and create a historical document of their lives.  This blog is called FAMILY HISTORY - The Blog  if you are inclined to check out what I've written so far or if you want to follow along as I add more stories about my family that came before me.

I can and I most probably will also start blogging right here about the randomness of my life and adventures (there have been a few since the last time I blogged here) ....so stay tuned to the DREAM that is about to come to life! 💕

misplaced feelings

so today is Cinco de Mayo......perhaps I will also remember it as the beginning of the end?
tonight he left for work and in the morning he will begin his drive to Texas where he will spend 10 days with his "niece" ....i use the term loosely. she is no blood kin but he seems to have fallen head over heals in admiration and adoration of her since he reconnected with her last year (after a lifetime of separation).

this is the second trip that he has made to see her in 12 months. this is also the second trip to see her that he has excluded me from.  he says he needs his 'alone time'. how can you be spending time 'alone' if you are engaged in interaction with another person that is not your wife?

and all i can do - for the second time in a row - is just sit here and accept that this is how it is. he chooses to spend his free time as far away from me as he can get. he has located another individual that pleases him and gives him everything he needs.

in almost 20 years of marriage we have only ever gone on three vacations alone as a couple. but every year he goes as far away from me as he can for as long as his job will allow. and i am ungrateful if i voice an opinion

does anyone hear me?

Easily Offended & Misunderstood

Sometimes I think that I must be speaking a foreign language. Even though the words that come out my mouth are English - seems like no one understands what I'm trying to convey. This leads to me jumping to conclusions & getting my feelings bent. Just tonight, as a for instance, I said something about today being OK - so I can't complain....I thought I was being sorta positive? But the response I got back was more or less (in my interpretation) we gotta stay positive even if we feel negative so yea be grateful .....which of course left me feeling hurt because how come I have to always remain positive &a never can have an off day when everyone else is allowed to go WAY off the deep end?  ....now was that REALLY what he meant by his response or was that just my interpretation?!? We will never know because - as is my typical modus oprendi I simply slink away - feelings hurt- not questioning or trying to clarify the message..... i am such a loser

Three Days

Still alive & kicking - yes it is getting better ... But no it's so slllloooowwwww. Last time was not like this! Still fighting the desire to take the pills. I allow myself one & only one per day....wish I could do it with none.

Then there is the d@mn cough.... Both Lukey & I are suffering through the invasion of the pollen master. Wheezy & coughing day & night...

Searching for something good & positive - having trouble seeing beyond the immediate NOW

day 1 after surgery

yes i know i am only talking to myself. it's just as well because i certainly wouldn't want to subject anyone else to the pity party i am having......

seriously though - why can't i just accept things as status quo and not feel sorry for myself? i mean so what - it wasn't like i had MAJOR surgery - it was out patient - home the same day surgery....yea they put you under but would you want to be awake when they cut into your body? me neither! sure it would be nice to get some TLC but really who would give it? and ultimately i really would just like to be left alone so i could sleep in peace...but the show must go on there are kids to be taken care of....homework and showers to be done.....thankfully i have taught them the bare basics so they can at least cook themselves dinner....cuz i can't stand up long enough to get that done

and that brings me to that other whiney point.....what is it about drugs....i know they are given to me for a purpose....so why can't i handle them in the manner in which they were given? .....1-2 every four to six hours does not mean take two every three hours or as soon as you start feeling again! i had to cut myself off. i need to stay in control here - and obviously with fresh pills in hand i cannot be trusted to do that....so i will need to NOT take them at all - i can just learn to deal with the pain - even if it feels 10000 times worse than the last time. my own damn fault for being so irresponsible!

besides - taking the damn pills relaxes the brain and loosens the mind to allow those thoughts to escape......you DO NOT want those thoughts out there. you don't want anyone to know what happened - those memories can not exist. they probably are all made up anyway - what could a 5-6 year old possibly know.....it never happened. it's just make believe and vivid imagination so just drop it!

whine complain pity party...i warned you this was all it was gonna be. the best thing in the world would just be if i could get over myself. i am no body and that don't count

Prince

My heart is breaking as the music world loses another legendary talent

http://consequenceofsound.net/2016/04/r-i-p-prince-legendary-musician-has-died-at-the-age-of-57/

His musical wizardry will forever leave its mark on my soul. So many songs evoke memories of my past - from dancing in clubs to Movin's covers of Purple Rain & When Doves Cry - to my very special memories of Beautiful People.

facing things or hiding from truths?

....."suicide kit" a term I never heard before. still don't know exactly what is "in the kit" - but I learned about this on the page and had to do some deep contemplation ..... I can relate... I have a drawer FULL of heavy duty scrips that I hang on to just incase..... 

So without knowing there was a name for what I was doing did I create my own kit?

I feel secure knowing its in there

Why/How did I get them? Well they do all belong to me....I have chronic pain but I also have control issues... So the docs give me lots of "really great" pain meds that I steadfastly refuse to take. YES if things get really bad I allow myself one. But truthfully I am very non-compliant. There are so few things I actually have a say in that I do not like giving up control of the ones I do. Turning my body over to meds that knock you out and turn your mind upside down & inside out are not my way of holding tight to my reality.

...I've got a lot to contemplate. Through these amazing people I am waking up to see all that is defective in me...