yes i know i am only talking to myself. it's just as well because i certainly wouldn't want to subject anyone else to the pity party i am having......
seriously though - why can't i just accept things as status quo and not feel sorry for myself? i mean so what - it wasn't like i had MAJOR surgery - it was out patient - home the same day surgery....yea they put you under but would you want to be awake when they cut into your body? me neither! sure it would be nice to get some TLC but really who would give it? and ultimately i really would just like to be left alone so i could sleep in peace...but the show must go on there are kids to be taken care of....homework and showers to be done.....thankfully i have taught them the bare basics so they can at least cook themselves dinner....cuz i can't stand up long enough to get that done
and that brings me to that other whiney point.....what is it about drugs....i know they are given to me for a purpose....so why can't i handle them in the manner in which they were given? .....1-2 every four to six hours does not mean take two every three hours or as soon as you start feeling again! i had to cut myself off. i need to stay in control here - and obviously with fresh pills in hand i cannot be trusted to do that....so i will need to NOT take them at all - i can just learn to deal with the pain - even if it feels 10000 times worse than the last time. my own damn fault for being so irresponsible!
besides - taking the damn pills relaxes the brain and loosens the mind to allow those thoughts to escape......you DO NOT want those thoughts out there. you don't want anyone to know what happened - those memories can not exist. they probably are all made up anyway - what could a 5-6 year old possibly know.....it never happened. it's just make believe and vivid imagination so just drop it!
whine complain pity party...i warned you this was all it was gonna be. the best thing in the world would just be if i could get over myself. i am no body and that don't count
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