Jimmy journals his thoughts and feelings, his insights and his fears and he asked people to share on his group page. he wants to know how people are doing ... what they are feeling .... what's their story. by the laws of reciprocity i feel the need to try to share this complicated web that is my life ... but i don't want to clog up his pages with my sludge, so if you made it this far, hold on to your hats ... keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle and try to enjoy the most boring story ever told. no, really, if you ever get to the point of overload and you just can't take one more blasé moment ... just hit the back button and take yourself back to Facebook! (that's what i would do ... this is all just a bunch of whiny drivel)
i really don't know where to start .... the beginning is too logical.
born & raised in theCity (what city? THE City....everyone knows there is only one....even when I lived in another state, strangers I met KNEW my beloved City ...San Francisco... is THECity)
yes....i'm still struggling to let the words out. once I unlock the floodgates i won't be able to pull them back in. they say it's cathartic, they say it's healing. THEY don't know what i know. pathetic i am. here's one thing...... my audience - that's YOU - all belong to this group page. you have a common ?interest is not the right word. you are all in the process of healing yourselves from the ravages of addiction. i'm not. i'm here with one purpose....one goal. to encourage and support you along in your journey.
time is passing as i sit here. i really don't want to let it out. i've carefully constructed a fortress around it because letting it leach out into the universe would only expose me as the complete fraud and failure that i know. i will lose the façade. yet i struggle because i owe you to be honest and truthful with you as you have been with me. i resolve to sit here all night if i have to, to get this out. i am emotionally unbalanced tonight as i read two posts and an article tonight that really struck a long dormant chord in me. i promised Jimmy weeks ago that i would try to share - tonight I feel compelled that now is the time to try.
i said my role on the page is a supporter. i do not have any addictions at least not addictions in the way that you know addictions. my role on the page...in life, is to be a nurturing caring person. one who is loyal, trustworthy and kind. the rock that supports others in their journey through life. i'm that shadow backstage putting everything back together silently fixing everything that breaks. my place has never been in the spotlight ... never the center/focus of attention.
i am self-described ocd but I am more dominantly a control freak. the ocd could lead to addictive behavior except the control mechanism kicks in and demands i change the actions. i'm not used to so many sentences being about "me". focus fool.... i am not a goodie two shoes. in fact i did live life on the wild side for far too many years. i partied in the clubs all night and worked in the office all day. i am impulsive and compulsive and over the top responsible for all things that go awry in my world. i was taught to hold myself up to higher expectations. you are human, you may have shortcomings. i am not allowed that same luxury. i do not have shortcomings. i have failures. one piled right on top of another and another and another. unforgivable. this is how my mind was formed from an early age. this is a struggle I have not, to this day, overcome. i was supposed to be perfect. i am not perfect. i failed in life 12 ways from Sunday.
i know this is all drivel. my failures are totally and fully my responsibilities. i own and accept that. and at the same time i know that none of the things that i have brought upon myself can compare with the challenges and terrors that so many of you have survived. in fact, i encourage you to hit that back button now and release yourself from this whiny place.
.....ok, i came back...........i had to leave for a bit --- i'm sorry for droning on about nothingness. I just really do not know what to say. i don't talk about my disasters. i do take them out and examine them in the darkness. food. alcohol. sex. self-loathing. self-criticism. failure. quitter. ugliness. homeliness. unworthiness. these are all topics that i analyze as to how i have failed time and again.
and here i am still trying to get started.....
No comments:
Post a Comment