jimmy asked...

i  met a man named Jimmy ... ok I haven't REALLY met him like in real life....but I did meet him on Facebook. how? i'm not even sure.... i know i saw his post one day & the next thing you know we are fb friends ... his posts make me feel ... sometimes happy sometimes sad ... but they make me feel something ... and I really haven't felt much of anything for a long time.

Jimmy journals his thoughts and feelings, his insights and his fears and he asked people to share on his group page. he wants to know how people are doing  ... what they are feeling .... what's their story.  by the laws of reciprocity i feel the need to try to share this complicated web that is my life ... but i don't want to clog up his pages with my sludge, so if you made it this far, hold on to your hats ... keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle and try to enjoy the most boring story ever told. no, really, if you ever get to the point of overload and you just can't take one more blasé moment ... just hit the back button and take yourself back to Facebook! (that's what i would do ... this is all just a bunch of whiny drivel)

i really don't know where to start .... the beginning is too logical.

born & raised in theCity (what city? THE City....everyone knows there is only one....even when I lived in another state, strangers I met KNEW my beloved City ...San Francisco... is THECity) 

yes....i'm still struggling to let the words out. once I unlock the floodgates i won't be able to pull them back in. they say it's cathartic, they say it's healing. THEY don't know what i know. pathetic i am. here's one thing...... my audience - that's YOU - all belong to this group page. you have a common ?interest is not the right word. you are all in the process of healing yourselves from the ravages of addiction. i'm not. i'm here with one purpose....one goal. to encourage and support you along in your journey.

time is passing as i sit here. i really don't want to let it out. i've carefully constructed a fortress around it because letting it leach out into the universe would only expose me as the complete fraud and failure that i know. i will lose the façade.  yet i struggle because i owe you to be honest and truthful with you as you have been with me. i resolve to sit here all night if i have to, to get this out. i am emotionally unbalanced tonight as i read two posts and an article tonight that really struck a long dormant chord in me. i promised Jimmy weeks ago that i would try to share - tonight I feel compelled that now is the time to try.

i said my role on the page is a supporter. i do not have any addictions at least not addictions in the way that you know addictions. my role on the page...in life, is to be a nurturing caring person. one who is loyal, trustworthy and kind. the rock that supports others in their journey through life. i'm that shadow backstage putting everything back together silently fixing everything that breaks. my place has never been in the spotlight ... never the center/focus of attention. 

i am self-described ocd but I am more dominantly a control freak. the ocd could lead to addictive behavior except the control mechanism kicks in and demands i change the actions. i'm not used to so many sentences being about "me". focus fool.... i am not a goodie two shoes. in fact i did live life on the wild side for far too many years. i partied in the clubs all night and worked in the office all day. i am impulsive and compulsive and over the top responsible for all things that go awry in my world. i was taught to hold myself up to higher expectations. you are human, you may have shortcomings. i am not allowed that same luxury. i do not have shortcomings. i have failures. one piled right on top of another and another and another. unforgivable. this is how my mind was formed from an early age. this is a struggle I have not, to this day, overcome. i was supposed to be perfect. i am not perfect. i failed in life 12 ways from Sunday. 

i know this is all drivel. my failures are totally and fully my responsibilities. i own and accept that. and at the same time i know that none of the things that i have brought upon myself can compare with the challenges and terrors that so many of you have survived. in fact, i encourage you to hit that back button now and release yourself from this whiny place. 

.....ok, i came back...........i had to leave for a bit --- i'm sorry for droning on about nothingness. I just really do not know what to say. i don't talk about my disasters. i do take them out and examine them in the darkness. food. alcohol. sex. self-loathing. self-criticism. failure. quitter. ugliness. homeliness. unworthiness. these are all topics that i analyze as to how i have failed time and again.

and here i am still trying to get started.....

 

Past Present & Future

Sometimes I feel as if I never outgrew teenage angst. Those days upon days of pure insecurity. Oh sure I wear the mask well....keep the darkness hidden behind the veil. I think that's part of why i stopped writing three years ago. I ran out of happiness & I couldn't bring myself to unveil the truth

just a niggling naggling little tingling

2013.....i have not been here since 2013.

a lot has happened and a lot has remained the same....

i met someone that i feel as if i have always known. this person shares my mind and tells me things that i never dared to dream on my own. i've come to rely on this person as much as one can rely on another especially when that other is not in a place that you can physically be in contact with them...

through their eyes i have learned to question my own existence to really examine what it is that makes me me. i am not always happy with what i see. but they are confident that i am who i am supposed to be.

the problem herein lies that while they see me as this decent sort of being. their intrusion into my brain has caused me to look at things that have long since been boxed away. these things that only my eyes can access so while they see unicorns and cotton candy i see the true grit of dark ash mixed with dirt and weeds that are the true fertilizer of my growth. funny thing is i do not fear that they might learn these truths and run away. i believe they are here to stay

and at the same time, i have reached out to encourage others who are on their journey of recovery. somehow this is a soothing thing to soften the blows of my reality for me. would they laugh if they learned that those things which i consider my demons even exist. i know that my darkness does not even reach into the depths from which they are climbing out. yet i am torn because i keep all this that is my garbage pail hidden from them when they are so open and honest with me.

so here i sit balancing the darkness from my past with the new struggles of my present. i refuse to be labeled as a weak one who suffers at the hands of others. but day after day i know that the mental anguish i face is not correct. but i must be the one that causes it. those that are purported to be the perpetrators are just in the punishment they dole out to me. the words from my past come back to haunt me. if only i could try harder and be better then no one would have cause to condemn and punish me.

ten questions......

OK, so this is it... I'm gonna try my hand at going out on a limb.
I’m linking to LIVING IN YELLOW that was linked to SHE’s A BIG STAR and I am going to attempt to participate in the INTERVIEW YOURSELF blog post 
So…here goes……
This morning, I opened my friend Erin’s SHE’s A BIG STAR blog and read her interview with herself – and was motivated to give it a try…. I am only a semi-transparently open book.  I don’t volunteer information about myself.  In fact, I rarely ‘talk about myself’ except to the extent that I babble on here in my cyber notebook – mostly too myself since no one else appears to be reading much of what I’m sayin’ :) …but on the other hand, if someone asks me a question about myself or my opinions,  I most probably will be able to give a full answer right down to the smallest minutae!
…and so it begins: 

1. If you could do one thing differently in your life, what would it be?
Uh’oh….right off the bat I am finding it difficult to answer this question.  Not because I don’t want to answer it, but more because my answer is that there is not one thing in my life that I would go back and do differently.  I have always had the view of NO REGRETS….I live in the NOW and never look back to see what ‘might have been’.   I’m sure that had I made different choices at various junctures of my life, I would have had different experiences and I would most probably be in a different place….. But I followed THIS path and here is where I am supposed to be :)

2. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
I have never made a goal or life plan or anything along those lines.  My diabetes counselor made me set-up a few short range goals in February.  I’ve been trying to achieve them – but so far I don’t think I’ve cut the mustard….  For now I will say that in 5 years I hope to be happy and healthy and enjoying life with family and friends. 

3. Do you honestly want kids? 
I guess, if you wanted to go back to #2….the only ‘goal’ I’ve ever had in life is to ‘have kids’. Unfortunately, it seems that mother nature never agreed to that plan….so as of today I still have no kids of my own.   I have been blessed to have friends with kids that I have bonded with over the years.  And I have experienced a lot of the trials tribulations jubilations and achievements of childhood through these kids…. But I have not given up the dream of having kids of my own.  I’ve been looking at the Foster Kids programs and thinking that my niche may be in that type of parenting.  There are so many kids in the system that need ‘parents’.  But to get to the place where I can be a foster parent, I first have to get my housing in order --- right now there’s no room in our little shoebox of a house to even raise a mouse!  Hopefully soon we will remedy that by finding a way to get a larger home and then the doors will be open and let the kids come in!!!

      

4. What has been the best moment of your life so far? 

I have many ‘best moments’ it’s hard to pick just one (or two)….Growing up in San Francisco was definitely a ‘best moment’ there is no place in the world like My City by the Bay.  The culture and ethnic diversity and the history are so amazing.  The everyone knows everyone small-town appeal that you cannot find in most other urban areas.

Living in Hawaii was another ‘best moment’!  It’s paradise. And in Hawaii I finally got to know ‘me’ and learn who I am and what I believe in

Speaking of believing…. Christmas morning is a ‘best moment’ I just love watching the kids eyes open wide with wonder when they realize that Santa really does exist!

Getting to meet Gary Allan with my friend Paula Davis was one of the COOLEST ‘best moments’ only to be topped by riding in the elevator with him & my friend Linda Bell….or the WEEKEND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK I shared with Linda and Sylvia (I could tell you the details – but then I’d have to shoot ya! LoL suffice it to say it involved a Tennessee boy in LA) – oh how I love LOVE love mi vida loca – yes that is definitely a ‘BEST MOMENT’

Ok…so I think I could go on and on with my ‘best moments’….. I will say one more and then move on…  Some of my fondest memories are of being out on the road with my friends following the music and the boys in the band that make the music sound so sweet….having my camera up in front of my face…snapping the shutter so many times that my finger actually got sore and then just knowing at ‘that moment’ that I had just scored one of the best photographs…. 

5. What is your life theme song? 

I was gonna say Kenny Chesney’s BE AS YOU ARE or NO SHOES NO SHIRT NO PROBLEMS…. Those songs are how I view life. No facades, no worries.  Just chillaxin and enjoying the moment.  But truthfully, the most beautiful song I’ve ever heard and really the one that best describes the way I live my life would have to be Gary Allan’s LIFE AIN’T ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL. …Life aint always beautiful ~Tears will fall sometimes ~ Life aint always beautiful ~But it's a beautiful ride ….. no matter how I look at it, in good time or in bad there’s always a silver lining that makes this life I live a very beautiful ride! 

  

6. What is one thing you have yet to accomplish that you want to do before you die? 

I sort of started a ‘bucket list’ …this should in no way be misconstrued as ‘goals’ (we all know how I feel about ‘goals’!!) more of a WISH LIST of things I’d like to do.  The number one thing I want to do before I die is ride in a hot air balloon – but you see the thing is I am TERRIFIED of heights…. 

7. If you could choose one thing to be known for, what would it be? 

I want to be known for being unknown.  I used to say I wanted to be anonymously famous…I like working behind the scenes and getting things done.  I do not need the accolades and congratulatory ‘slap-on-the-back’ that a lot of people yearn for when they do a good deed.  I prefer to do something and then let people wonder how it happened, who was behind it all…. 

8. If you could do anything you wanted right in this very moment

(no consequences, no fear, etc), what would it be? 

I would hop a plane to the islands…. I would bring everyone (family & friends) along and I would share with them the true meaning of Aloha and Ohana. Then I would hop another plane and go join GFA on the road and be that ‘freaky camera girl’ again and take millions of pictures of him and the guys on stage doing what they love to do…
 

9. What has been the most challenging moment in your life? The very hardest moments in my life….I’ve had two.  The night they brought my mom to the ER she had three massive coronaries in a row.  The doctors were able to bring her back each time but they said if she survived she would no longer be ‘her’ anymore.  The lack of oxygen to her brain with each coronary was so great that she would be little more than a shell of her former self.  My dad and I were there in the room with her and I had to tell her to move on.  It was time for her to go.  She didn’t want to say good-bye.  She had too many worries on her mind.  She needed to know that her children were OK. There were so many things she did not get to say to my siblings. To let them all know how proud she was of their accomplishments. I promised her that they would know she loved all of them, each and every one of them. And I told her to leave.

The other time….almost ten years later, my pop had been sick with cancer for the better part of a year.  We knew the time was drawing closer and I made arrangements to take time off work so that I could be with him.  The week before my work-leave was to begin I was at the house and I helped him to his bed and to clean up and change his clothes.  He said he was tired, I tucked him into bed and told him to rest.  I went home that night planning to return in two days and stay until the end came.  The next night I got a call from my brother.  Dad went to sleep.  I was not there and that is one of the hardest things in my life that I have ever had to accept.

  

10. Summarize yourself in one word. 
PRINCESS….But that’s a different story!

…well, I did it.  I answered each and every one of these questions.  The questions were straightforward but the answers may have gotten a little twisted.  What can I say? The mind I work with is just a little twisted too.  OK... Tell me what you think….or better yet, why don’t you take the challenge TOO and answer these questions! click here 

~me ke aloha pumehana 

my special date

It was Friday, April 19, 2013.  The night of the Mother~Son Event at Vintage Parkway Elementary School.  And I had a very special date.....

 

The night before, George and I made our very special two-of-a-kind T-shirts to wear to the Mother-Son Event.  We each painted our hand prints on the shirts and we ironed on a boy and a lady.  Then I had wrote our names and the name and date of the event.  We got lots of compliments from the mothers when we walked in, and when George's principal saw our matching shirts she thought they were 'super cool'!

  

~ * ~ * ~

 

All the boys were on the dance floor 'showing off their moves'.  And generally clowning around.  There were plenty of snacks.....and Crystal Light Pink Lemonade.  Although, Georgie preferred plain water!  And sign-up sheets were on the walls for fun games to be played throughout the evening.

George Taylor & Nicholas ~ los tres caballeros

l

....at the end of the evening, the boys all lined up across the floor and the moms lined up facing their sons.  Each boy presented his mother with a beautiful purple carnation and then he asked her to dance!!! The song was MY WISH by Rascal Flatts.





My wish for you, George Doyle Black, is that you never give up on your dreams. You never lose your sense of adventure. You continue to be the sweetest caring young man that you are today. That your love continues to grow and blossom and the world sees the beauty that is in you....

4-23-2013

What happens when you feel you have not gone far enough and you fear that you know you can not go further?

suddenly changed...

juliette moved to hawaii in the spring of her 21st year.   she was an adult now.  no longer a child who answered to her parents rules.  she had a job in a call center and worked the early morning shift.  this allowed her to have almost the whole day to herself to explore and relax and have fun.

shortly after arriving in the islands juliette met sharona and june and decided to share an apartment with them.  sharona was three years younger than juliette and june was several years older.  by comparison, both girls were a lot more worldly than juliette.  they had been on their own for some time and were far more experienced in life.

soon, juliette discovered that june was what one could consider a 'tramp'.  it seemed that on any given morning a new and different guy was leaving june's bedroom with a smile on his face.  this situation troubled juliette as she was still a virgin and planned to remain so until she married.  but in an effort to fit in, and be one of the girls, she kept her opinions to herself.  then one day juliette and sharona were hanging out on the beach and sharing girl-talk.  juliette confided in her the truth about her non-existent sexual experience.  she was afraid that sharona might laugh at her and call her childish, or worse, a prude. but sharona did nothing of the sort. she was kind and she told juliette how wonderful that was.  she too had planned to remain a virgin until she got married.  but then she met a boy and he promised her the world and she gave in to him, and he promptly left her soon after.

time passed and the girls hung out on the beach and in the clubs.  they partied with the locals and the military stationed in the islands almost every night.  one saturday, juliette was awake early and watching tv when june's current paramour stepped from her bedroom.  he made a quick phone call and then returned to the room.  june came out and informed juliette that tim (the guy) had just called one of his buddies to come pick him up and drive him back to the military base.  when he got there, june wanted juliette to keep him entertained because she and tim were going to go take a nap, she winked.

an hour or so later the doorbell rang and juliette let in a handsome, quiet young man. she told him what june had said and he rolled his eyes.  juliette invited him in and offered him something to drink then she went back to watching tv.  the guy said his name was bryan and he sat down to watch tv with her.  the hours passed and day turned to night.  juliette and bryan talked alot.  she learned that he was recently divorced. that his wife left him when their infant daughter had died from SID.  he seemed very sad and still hurting from this experience.  she told him about growing up in california.  they seemed to get along quite well. eventually he reached out and kissed her.  she braced herself for the inevitable as it seemed that all the boys she had met since moving to the islands had one thing on their mind and she had to be strong to fend them off and protect her virtue.  but bryan was not like that.  he was kind and gentle. and he did not press her to go further than that kiss.  eventually june and tim finished 'napping' and bryan and tim left.

tim came back quite often over the next few weeks.  sometimes he brought bryan with him.  other times he brought groups of other guys and the whole apartment turned into a party zone.  one of the other guys, jim, took a particular interest in sharona and the two of them began dating.

spring became summer and summer rolled into fall and soon it was thanksgiving.  for the first time juliette began to feel lonesome.  she experienced her first bout of homesickness since arriving in hawaii.  she had never been away from her family for such an extended length of time. and she had never ever missed celebrating a holiday surrounded by her parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  june had flown to the big island the day before to spend the holiday with her father.  sharona sensed her roommate's sudden depression and announced that they were going to have an adventure.

the two girls went down to the local car rental office and picked up a shiny red mustang convertible.  and, with map in hand, headed to the windward side of the island.  sharona's boyfriend had to work all day.  so sharona thought it would be a great idea to go and surprise him.  she mentioned to juliette that maybe bryan would be around and they could all go out after jim went off duty.

jim was very surprised when he got the call that the girls were there.  he took a break to come chat with them.  much to juliette's dismay, bryan was no where to be found.  the girls hung out in the parking lot for the next six hours chatting with anyone that happened to stop by.  soon jim was done with work for the day and he came out to the car with another buddy.  he introduced the guy as wayne and they climbed into the backseat of the convertible.  with sharona behind the wheel the foursome headed back to waikiki.  they pulled into the parking lot of a local liquor store where jim and wayne went in to buy some refreshments and then they headed over to the apartment.

walking in the front door the girls were chatty and the guys were pushing each other about.  jim pulled the bottles out of the bag and apologized that they did not get any juice/mixer to go with the vodka.  sharona said it was ok, she thought there was some pepsi in the fridge.  jim mixed the first round of vodka and pepsi and everyone made a face when they first tasted it.but after the third or fourth drink no one seemed to mind the strange taste any longer.  they played cards and told stories about what the holidays were like when they were kids and everyone speculated as to what was going on in their own homes right at that moment.

it wasn't long before the gallon of vodka was nearly empty. sharona and jim slipped off to the bedroom for a little one on one conversation, leaving juliette alone with wayne.  she tried to make casual conversation but found that, in her drunken state, she had little control over her thoughts.  worse yet, she felt uncomfortable being alone with this guy that she barely knew.  something about him gave her the eebie jeebies.

juliette went out on the lanai.  she hoped that if she left him alone wayne might just pass out.  but he soon followed her outside and brought another drink with him.  he gave it to her and told her to drink it.  she didn't really want another drink, but he teased and cajoled her and soon she found herself emptying the glass. he pulled her back into the apartment and even though her mind was shrieking danger alarms her body was no longer under her control.

wayne pushed her down to the floor and layed on top of her.  she tried to push him away but found she had no strength. she had no voice.  in her mind she was screaming for him to get off of her but no voice was escaping her throat. in her mind she was pushing him away but in reality her arms and legs were as limp as a rag dolls.  he pushed her clothes free and without any ceremony entered her roughly pushing until he had satisfied his urges and then he fell away.  lying on his back he zipped his pants and closed his eyes, satisfied.

juliette was still unsure of what exactly had just happened. she gathered her clothes redressed quickly and escaped onto the lanai.  she did know what had happened.  her life had just sailed down the drain in the flicker of a moment. she no longer had her one and only prized possession. her virginity was washed away. the problem that she could not wrap her mind around was how it happened.

sharona found her out there on the balcony with her arms wrapped around her knees. she took one look at her friend and knew.  sharona was furious. she was ready to take a dull kitchen knife and separate wayne from the parts that made him a man.  but juliette stopped her. she said no. it was her own fault. she brought this all upon herself and has no one to blame for her loss but herself. juliette looked crushed. sharona reached out to her friend to try and console her. but juliette turned away in shame.