Friday, May 6, 2016

misplaced feelings

so today is Cinco de Mayo......perhaps I will also remember it as the beginning of the end?
tonight he left for work and in the morning he will begin his drive to Texas where he will spend 10 days with his "niece" ....i use the term loosely. she is no blood kin but he seems to have fallen head over heals in admiration and adoration of her since he reconnected with her last year (after a lifetime of separation).

this is the second trip that he has made to see her in 12 months. this is also the second trip to see her that he has excluded me from.  he says he needs his 'alone time'. how can you be spending time 'alone' if you are engaged in interaction with another person that is not your wife?

and all i can do - for the second time in a row - is just sit here and accept that this is how it is. he chooses to spend his free time as far away from me as he can get. he has located another individual that pleases him and gives him everything he needs.

in almost 20 years of marriage we have only ever gone on three vacations alone as a couple. but every year he goes as far away from me as he can for as long as his job will allow. and i am ungrateful if i voice an opinion

does anyone hear me?

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Easily Offended & Misunderstood

Sometimes I think that I must be speaking a foreign language. Even though the words that come out my mouth are English - seems like no one understands what I'm trying to convey. This leads to me jumping to conclusions & getting my feelings bent. Just tonight, as a for instance, I said something about today being OK - so I can't complain....I thought I was being sorta positive? But the response I got back was more or less (in my interpretation) we gotta stay positive even if we feel negative so yea be grateful .....which of course left me feeling hurt because how come I have to always remain positive &a never can have an off day when everyone else is allowed to go WAY off the deep end? was that REALLY what he meant by his response or was that just my interpretation?!? We will never know because - as is my typical modus oprendi I simply slink away - feelings hurt- not questioning or trying to clarify the message..... i am such a loser

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Three Days

Still alive & kicking - yes it is getting better ... But no it's so slllloooowwwww. Last time was not like this! Still fighting the desire to take the pills. I allow myself one & only one per day....wish I could do it with none.

Then there is the d@mn cough.... Both Lukey & I are suffering through the invasion of the pollen master. Wheezy & coughing day & night...

Searching for something good & positive - having trouble seeing beyond the immediate NOW

Thursday, April 28, 2016

day 1 after surgery

yes i know i am only talking to myself. it's just as well because i certainly wouldn't want to subject anyone else to the pity party i am having......

seriously though - why can't i just accept things as status quo and not feel sorry for myself? i mean so what - it wasn't like i had MAJOR surgery - it was out patient - home the same day surgery....yea they put you under but would you want to be awake when they cut into your body? me neither! sure it would be nice to get some TLC but really who would give it? and ultimately i really would just like to be left alone so i could sleep in peace...but the show must go on there are kids to be taken care of....homework and showers to be done.....thankfully i have taught them the bare basics so they can at least cook themselves dinner....cuz i can't stand up long enough to get that done

and that brings me to that other whiney point.....what is it about drugs....i know they are given to me for a why can't i handle them in the manner in which they were given? .....1-2 every four to six hours does not mean take two every three hours or as soon as you start feeling again! i had to cut myself off. i need to stay in control here - and obviously with fresh pills in hand i cannot be trusted to do i will need to NOT take them at all - i can just learn to deal with the pain - even if it feels 10000 times worse than the last time. my own damn fault for being so irresponsible!

besides - taking the damn pills relaxes the brain and loosens the mind to allow those thoughts to DO NOT want those thoughts out there. you don't want anyone to know what happened - those memories can not exist. they probably are all made up anyway - what could a 5-6 year old possibly never happened. it's just make believe and vivid imagination so just drop it!

whine complain pity party...i warned you this was all it was gonna be. the best thing in the world would just be if i could get over myself. i am no body and that don't count

Thursday, April 21, 2016


My heart is breaking as the music world loses another legendary talent

His musical wizardry will forever leave its mark on my soul. So many songs evoke memories of my past - from dancing in clubs to Movin's covers of Purple Rain & When Doves Cry - to my very special memories of Beautiful People.

facing things or hiding from truths?

....."suicide kit" a term I never heard before. still don't know exactly what is "in the kit" - but I learned about this on the page and had to do some deep contemplation ..... I can relate... I have a drawer FULL of heavy duty scrips that I hang on to just incase..... 

So without knowing there was a name for what I was doing did I create my own kit?
I feel secure knowing its in there

Why/How did I get them? Well they do all belong to me....I have chronic pain but I also have control issues... So the docs give me lots of "really great" pain meds that I steadfastly refuse to take. YES if things get really bad I allow myself one. But truthfully I am very non-compliant. There are so few things I actually have a say in that I do not like giving up control of the ones I do. Turning my body over to meds that knock you out and turn your mind upside down & inside out are not my way of holding tight to my reality.

...I've got a lot to contemplate. Through these amazing people I am waking up to see all that is defective in me...

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

nothing more than whiney drivel

...well now that this can of worms is open - I should really lay it out there......

nothing more than whiney drivel

in my 20's i partied like there was no tomorrow.... i could out drink (or at least keep up with) the best of them... functioning with alcohol - working - drinking on breaks & lunch - happy hour - partying all night - then back to work again. I've stayed away from drugs but alcohol - I thought i could handle it. it kept me numb so i didn't have to feel. i didn't have to face that "thing" that happened. that i allowed to happen because i was too drunk to stop it. too drunk to say NO. i did say no - but no one could hear me and it happened and it was my fault. and i drank more and i tried to replace what i lost but you cannot replace it. so instead i just threw it all away in search of love in all the wrong places until I was so out of control i lost all the rest of me. 

i have always struggled with food & weight. but i decided that it didn't matter how big or thin i could be i would always be ugly. so to prove I was unworthy of being loved i ate and ate and ate. and no matter how ugly I felt by the end of the night I was walking out with another nameless stranger.

then in a desperate attempt to save myself i did a 180 and "fell" for the guy who was a complete polar opposite. who wants nothing to do with me physically and really seems to be indifferent to who i am. that had to be the right thing to do. because I am this huge ugly unloveable 'thing' & yet he still wants to be in my life ... since it's not about s e x then he must be real. wrong. just brought on a different set of failures and feelings of inadequacy. dying a slow & silent death a little more each day.