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i was SUPPOSED TO go see jake owen @ club rodeo tonight with paula & her hubby.............i have been looking forward to this night for months (ok not EXACTLY THIS NIGHT cuz i didn't know the EXACT DATE that jake was coming....but i knew he was coming & i was REALLY REALLY REALLY looking forward to the event!!)

i was even having a pretty 'ok/ day at work....getting things done...catching up on some of the backlog that is my worklife......i didn't take a lunchbreak so that i could get out on time and head down to san jose to meet paula & derle at chevy's......very much anticipating my tortilla soup and fajita salad

BUT it was not meant to be................15 minutes before i was planning to leave in comes the boss utterly exasperated with me & my incompetence........now i could sit here and make up excuses.....like

we are so far behind because people don't turn in their billings in a timely manner so that i can process invoices & get them mailed out

our new software has the potential to do LOTS of great things that would streamline the office and help run things more effiiently....BUT the consultant/trainer that was supposed to get us up and running didn't know her arse from a tincan of whoopazz and so she was let go in the middle of the project and things were not properly set-up and i have had to teach myself how to work the program .....as well as figure out how to complete the set-up all the while trying to catch up on billing (see above)

my bosses graciously hired someone (two someones) to come in and help me get things straightened out...but the one 'in-charge' never seemed to do anything except run reports & wring his hands meanwhile the one that was helping with the day-to-day stuff actually screwed more up than she helped......and i've spent the last two weeks trying to figure out what she did correctly and what has to be redone.

to top it off my father had cancer. he lost the battle in december. i missed ALOT of work during december & january because of this......and it trickled down to me that i was being irresponsible and not doing what i was hired to do........HELLO? I JUST LOST MY FATHER...I AM NOW A FREAKIN' ORPHAN!!! no my head is not exactly on straight right now.....

not to mention i had some female problems.......had to undergo testing for the big C (THANKFULLY it all turned out to be false - seems stress is a HUGE factor!) now the insurance company is refusing to pay for the testing since they felt that it was for infertility.....what the F?!?! THERE'S A HUGE DIFFERENCE between infertility and C!!!!! so now i gotta come up with a few hundred dollars (i think it's over one thousand something) to cover the dr bills

oh yea...there's that S word....STRESS?!?!? seems that stress was the leading factor in my breaking a tooth in janurary as well.............................i have been clenching my jaw so tightly that i fractured the tooth clear in half...............and yea...the dental insurance doesn't wanna pay diddly since we go to a dentist that is 'out of network' well excuse the blinkity blank out of me....i have been going to the same dentist for 20+ years and i don't think i should have to change just because the NEW insurance doesn't want to 'cover' it!!! thankfully they appreciate us at the dentists' office and gave us a VERY DEEP discount and are allowing us to make monthly payments.

well...now that i've ranted on and on about all the 'reasons' why i could point fingers in other directions...ultimately the responsibility is mine......i took the 'chewing out' without shedding a tear....i looked him in the eye and agreed with him that it is all my fault. it's my responsibility and i am not living up to it like i should be.......and then i called my friend and told her i was going to have to cancel out on the show that i had so been looking forward to because i had obligations and responsibilities that i had to fulfill......i stayed at work......i was the last to leave tonight it was after 9pm....and still i do not feel that i have done enough to fulfill my obligations....i am shirking my responsibilities. i need to man up and get the job done.......if i need to work longer hours everyday then so be it. if i need to give up my weekends to complete my job then that is what i have to do.......i'm not gonna get a second chance to make things right.

it's up to me
i have to be responsible
i need to carry this load