nothing more than whiney drivel
in my 20's i partied like there was no tomorrow.... i could out drink (or at least keep up with) the best of them... functioning with alcohol - working - drinking on breaks & lunch - happy hour - partying all night - then back to work again. I've stayed away from drugs but alcohol - I thought i could handle it. it kept me numb so i didn't have to feel. i didn't have to face that "thing" that happened. that i allowed to happen because i was too drunk to stop it. too drunk to say NO. i did say no - but no one could hear me and it happened and it was my fault. and i drank more and i tried to replace what i lost but you cannot replace it. so instead i just threw it all away in search of love in all the wrong places until I was so out of control i lost all the rest of me.
i have always struggled with food & weight. but i decided that it didn't matter how big or thin i could be i would always be ugly. so to prove I was unworthy of being loved i ate and ate and ate. and no matter how ugly I felt by the end of the night I was walking out with another nameless stranger.
then in a desperate attempt to save myself i did a 180 and "fell" for the guy who was a complete polar opposite. who wants nothing to do with me physically and really seems to be indifferent to who i am. that had to be the right thing to do. because I am this huge ugly unloveable 'thing' & yet he still wants to be in my life ... since it's not about s e x then he must be real. wrong. just brought on a different set of failures and feelings of inadequacy. dying a slow & silent death a little more each day.
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